I've been toying with
sharing
what is really going on in my life right now. For me it's one of the
most
personal things I've shared here. Which almost seems hard to do
I
guess.

A few weeks ago a
friend
caught on and learned that I had a plan in place and had been getting
the final
pieces completed for weeks so I could commit suicide. It's still
hard for me to
express it in those words. It scares the shit out of me in all
reality. Me?
Suicide? I still fight the urge to cry every time I think about
what I was going
to do. Maybe the fear and tears come from the fact I know I
was really going to
do it.

Asking yourself why I
would
want to do that? I don't have one solid reason, but I swore I did.
These are the
reasons suicide came into play for ME.

* Pain. I'm always in
pain
and have been for over a year now. Pelvic Floor Pain is a real thing and
it
SUCKS! I find little relief from the pain and to live with it day in and
day out
is almost too much.

* Mental Health. I've
been
out of therapy for 7 months and I'm seeing my Psychiatrist but my meds
are just
not balanced. To cry at nothing, be afraid to get in my car and
drive, sleep
days away sucks. I';I've shut out friends and secluded myself
away from everyone
but my mother. She is the one I should have gotten the
space from. It's just
spiraled out of control.

* Mom. I'm not sure I need
to
add to this part if you've read my LJ for any time, however I will
explain. My
mothers me but her love is toxic. I come home from NC and she can
no longer be
independent. She knows I've got an apartment to move into, but
she is doing all
she can to keep me in her control. I allow this and I know I
shouldn't. Which is
where the living at home at 36 is killing
me.

* Me. I'm my own worse
enemy
in all this. In my crazy head my friends and my family are better off
without
me. That me killing myself would bring them all this inner peace they
all need
and deserve. This thought I carried with me for a month while I
figured out what
needed to be settled, how I would do it and where I would do
it. That one
irrational thought almost helped kill me.

Food. I haven't been
really
eating. For that month before my Disney trip and then after I wasn't
eating. It
made me feel sick or I just didn't want it at all. This greatly
effected and
still effects my moods.

I could have avoided all
this
one simple way. Talking. I didn't talk to my friends or family at all. I
shut
down for a month, maybe longer. If I had just talked to someone maybe I
could
have avoided a really good friend having to talk me into going to the
ER for an
evaluation. I fought it, fought ever single moment, yet I went. Not
because of
my friend, but because my therapist I hadn't seen in 6 months said
I went or she
was sending them to my job to get it. You've no idea how scary
that is, to think
that your deepest, darkest secret will be exposed to
strangers. It terrified the
hell out of me.

Today. Today I'm still
not
feeling 100%, hell I'm happy on a 50% day. This has been a horrible month and this journey is
going to
be fucking hellish. I'm scared because I don't have full control. I
have control
over a lot of things and I'm slowly taking those steps and doing
all I can to
beat down those fears. It's the parts that I can't fully control
that scare me
more. With this whole ramble said, I have a journey/pain and
tons of soul
searching ahead of me. I'm not ready for all this, but I'll get
through it. I
always do and with that said:

When something like this
in
life happens and the acts are the darkest, those who are truly your
friends walk
into that darkness, grab your hand and walk out with you as you
find your way.
I'm very thankful for those people in my
life.

As I work through my stuff here, I hope that maybe some how sharing what I went through and what I'm currently doing will help someone else.

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.