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An on going reminder....

The hardest thing about being a caterpillar is that you have little control about when and where you enter the darkest period of your life. Something takes over and you have to obey it, you have no control, so you wrap yourself up your cocoon and have nothing to do but think and dream and reflect in the darkness on your life on the ground. And, somehow, the myriad of colors from all your dreaming, thinking and pondering start to come together in this dark place until you are ready to emerge with all these hopes and plans tatooed on a new set of beautiful possibilities and you fly away, unrestricted.

Sometimes, having dark times simply puts into perspective how much power we have to fly when we are ready. :)

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May. 25th, 2016

I'm sick of waking up to this damn life. Between this damn leg and home, I feel just over all this.

New Therapist

I met with the new therapist today. I like her as of the hour we spent talking. She is into a form of energy work, so we'll see what comes of it. I'm hopeful, but tomorrow will tell. If my meds doctor does not feel this new avenue is enough then I'm still facing a stint in the hospital. All outpatient programs have rejected me since I'm not able to commit to daily attendance due to my migraines,

I've got nothing left at this point. I wait.

:(

I'm lonely, scared and have a hard time leaving the space/box we live in. People say talk and I'm SCREAMING! The psychiatrist is being very laid back and isn't following up and I am. I'm being rejected time and time again. Dave doesn't fully get it because I doesn't believe in all this crap, but at the same time says he supports my needs for help.
I'm tired, I'm loney and the level of sad I'm at is undescribable. I just need someone, I'm not asking much, a little time for me.
I'm done asking, it goes no where.

UGH

So the doctor calls me back and says that the program he was speaking of is in Bristol (not near me at all) and then gave me to name of two other hospitals who offer a day program. Then says, you call them and figure out if you can go.
Don't kill yourself working asshole.
They wonder why people are fucking crazy. So damn tired.

Lost...again!

I feel like I've got things under control. I actually fight really hard for them to be ok. It seems the reality is I'm fighting and in the end nothing is changing and I'm expanding a lot of energy/emotion for nothing.

I saw the psychiatrist on Friday and was given the choice of going to the hospital for about a week or attend outpatient treatment. As I cried I was able to get the doctor to agree to give me a few days to think things over. In the meantime he gave me anxiety medication to see if that helps things. Well, I tried to pick it up but they didn't have the prescription and I just never got back. Dave is going to get it on his way home tonight.

The doctor is saying now that  my issues are being fueled by the fact that I've been living is isolation. I'm home alone all day in a dark room and play with my rats. We live in a room and I don't feel comfortable being out in the rest of the house. It isn't homey and I don't feel welcome.  I've also isolated myself from any friends I may have or had. I know if you look at FB seems like I'm out and about with people often, but I'm not. If I'm not with Dave I won't go out, besides at the moment we have on usable car so I can't get go anywhere. With outpatient therapy looming over our heads he will be rushing to get the other car running so I can get where I need. With the friends issue, I've backed away and cut off almost all communication because I have nothing to add to a relationship/friendship. I feel worthless pretty much every moment of every day. This treatment is suppose to be aggressive therapy and forced interactions to bring me out of the darkroom. *sigh*

I'm sitting now and waiting for the doctor to call and let me know what is involved from here and I need to remind him that my migraines can knock me out for days and what will that impact be on my space in the program.

Lots of factors in my life are adding to all this and why I think things are worse then before, but I'm not airing that right now. I personally don't want to face those realities right now. With it all said and done, I'm seriously lonely, live out in the boondocks from anyone and oddly enough thoughts of suicide are not at the for front but the days get darker and I hope I made the right choice.

Sick of always feeling so tired and beat down.

What happened?

Dave and I went to a state park that me and friends used to pretty much live at. Those times were filled with so much laughter, spiritual freedom and freedom. Freedom to be who we were and embrace that. Freedom to feel what we were feeling and feeling safe in our group to share that.

I miss those feelings.

What happened to me of those times?

It's not the acceptance of growing up and change. It is the loss of that feeling of freedom. I don't laugh at all like I used too. You know those hard belly laughs were you're crying, laughing and trying not to pee yourself. I miss that freedom I had with my friends to just stop and get into an impromptu ritual. That calmness and a joy/love that I can't even start to explain.  I can't even explain the adventures we had as well. It feels like a loss and not just growing up.

Have you ever lived your life in fear or constant anxiety? I have and do and I don't honestly know why. I want this person back in the sense of not letting life just go by and grabbing a hold of it and cherishing it. It's not that I don't have amazing people in my life today but I also have pushes away even more over the years. Why? I'd like my life enriched by those around me and then myself for who I am as well.

I'm lonely, I'm scared and I don't talk about it with anyone. Not even my partner, family or friends. No one wants to hear your whining and constant depressing shit. So I don't as much as possible. How do I get my life back? Seriously. I know a step is talk therapy but I'm waiting till we settle someplace so I don't have to switch therapists a few months in. That makes therapy harder when you keep starting over. I'm not sure where to go from here. The migraines, bipolar, numbness and tremors always seem to take over or I let them. Dave is SO adventures and a get up and lets have fun kind of guy and then here I come. The mother, worrier or sick. This man loves me like no other and he is so patient with me and what is going on, but I DON'T WANT TO BE ME!! I want to be the me who grabs hold of life and sucks in every moment.

Is this ramble on the slide into manic moments? Possible, but it feels so real, so who knows.

So much going on!

Yup I still know what LJ is and I read it pretty much everyday, not that most use it anymore.

Things have been nuts to say the least. I've been trying to figure out and get my migraines under some form of control and it has been a losing battle. My last attempt at treatment was Botox injections. Since I had a migraine before the 30 injections I have no idea if it is working or not. Sucks to say the least!

Due to the above crap I've started the Disability process. It was going kind of smooth till this week. I got a package returned to me for it not being complete with income information. They send it back with all kinds of red stamps and then they highlighted 90% of the paperwork to indicate what is needed and I failed to supply. I don't know what I'm going to do since it is asking for pay stubs from over 2 years ago and all I have is w2s. It is something I need to look at and try to complete today or tomorrow. Right now we could really use this to actually be approved, but I know that isn't likely.

Another fun thing in life is Dave still being unemployed coming up on 8 months. He got the state unemployment for 6 months and the federal government has stopped there funding. So he has no income coming in and he awaits to see if the fed will approve a 5 month extension. It is effecting a shit load of people and I realize that. I've never seen anyone apply for so many jobs and not get responses, I can only guess how hard this is for him. Dave has always provided for us and that is how he likes it. He has always done what we needed and him not being able to know is killing him. We are honestly lucky for savings and I'm lucky as hell for him, no matter what is happening. Anyway, due to all that is happening Dave's brother has offered us to come live with him till things settle out. HUGE offer and one that I'm grateful for since he didn't need to include me in this offer. It looks like Dave will give notice on our apartment for us to move to his brothers on the 1st of June. I however am not sure I will be going with Dave, not breaking up but me staying with my mom and him with his brother. My anxiety at the THOUGHT of living there and not having my own space to deal with my migraines and NOT be social (because I'm seriously not) if I want is making me nuts. I feel like every moment I spend in our room/space that is not bedtime is going to be rude. Anxiety again because I don't want to be rude to someone who is being so generous, right? I don't know. I'm going to see Red this week and just talk it out before I decide one way or another. She's been in a similar spot so she is a great sounding board.

Mom - ha ha ha
So I can live with her till things settle and even bring our babies (ratties) with me. Huge plus! SUPER HUGE ISSUE - my mother is in the process of being foreclosed on and needs to find her own place to live. Quickly! So yeah, I could live with her, help her pack her shit, move again and then go with Dave anyway since once she moves she isn't going to be able to have me and the ratties with her. UGH!!!! As a side note I am dealing with my mother and her crap while dealing with ours.

Bonus in life right now is a pending trip to NC. It is operation Maverick and I'm playing co-pilot with Red and then we are staying with the her daughter, husband and baby for a week. I can't wait to see them and get to see my friends in NC while I'm visiting. Red is insisting that I see them and what is Dave saying with all that is happening - get out of here and go enjoy Red and the kids. That I deserve this vacation, I deserve it. That crazy man needs a break from life more than I do. You will never catch me saying I'm not lucky, because I would be a fool.

*sigh* Life is nuts as hell right now and I'm scared. I'm tossing my hands up, doing what I actually can and hoping for the best.

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Under way...

So it seems things are under way but maybe not as fast or in the manner in which I had hoped it would be. I'm not sure why I had expected anything less. :)
I met with Donyale my therapist on Saturday and we caught up as best we could with in an hours time about 7 months past. In the end she let me know she couldn't support me in the process of coming off my meds at this time. I was not happy to hear those words come out of her but I expected it in all honesty. She is not telling me she will never support my decision to try and come off everything but she feels at this time it isn't right. We're going to work on getting me more level than I am now and gathering up support group. I've got the most stable home I've had in longer than I can recall and that is a huge starting point. Now if I left home and actually saw friends and did something other than play house girlfriend I'll start to do better.
Step 1: Today I called our local library to see if they have any volunteer opportunities. I'm hoping they do, if not I can try the one a few miles down the road in another town. The goal in this is is to break me in slowly to being around people again and not panicking. It'll get me out of the house a few days a week and then I'm not overwhelmed with needing to be somewhere a huge amount of hours. The final goal is that I have so many nights a week I don't sleep that I can't always function in the morning or get up early because I need to try and get some more rest. With out enough rest in a night and too many days in a row I have emotional break downs. So it they are maybe late mornings and just a few days it will work for a while. Right now a job is still not in my future. Which is KILLING me!
I know this doesn't read all smooth and nice, but I just need to get the thoughts out when I'm having them.

** If you're a FB reading who is not a LJ user and want to comment. Just leave your name in comments so I know who it is when I respond. :)  Thanks.

Processing

I'm going to need to process a lot of things and really put down whatever is in my head at that moment. My therapist really feels it is something to do since I'm not talking to anyone really about everything. Everyone has a little piece here and there. I'm making a filter where I can feel safe making posts about this. Once I make the filter I will post so you know you've been included. Then you can tell me if you want out. It will be whiney at times, maybe make you a little nervous and where I will share stuff people don't know. If you return stay, it is to be a no judgement zone and no going off on me. It's to process safely and I want feed back, every little bit helps. If you know now you want out, just let me know.

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