The hardest thing about being a caterpillar is that you have little control about when and where you enter the darkest period of your life. Something takes over and you have to obey it, you have no control, so you wrap yourself up your cocoon and have nothing to do but think and dream and reflect in the darkness on your life on the ground. And, somehow, the myriad of colors from all your dreaming, thinking and pondering start to come together in this dark place until you are ready to emerge with all these hopes and plans tatooed on a new set of beautiful possibilities and you fly away, unrestricted.

Sometimes, having dark times simply puts into perspective how much power we have to fly when we are ready. :)

Good Morning Peeps!

I hope everyone is doing well. It's a beautiful day outside today and I got laundry going. Tam just made breakfast and now I'm sitting on the PC for a bit. Then it is off to the kitchen to cut and cook pumpkin down for pies and muffins. Not much of an exciting day.

Work is going good. I had another test on Friday and I'm hoping I did well on that. Monday we get all set for the phones and then go on the phones for a few hours. I'm looking forward to that since it kind of helps put the pieces together. From there we do half days on the phones and half days in class. Lots to learn but it is cool. People call all made, but they have issues to be resolved and I love to solve problems.

With the job came free cable, internet and phone. Now that it is switched over I'm sure of the telephone number at home. So if you want it, email me and you can have it. I need to call home and Maine for that as well.

So dear friends...I need some help or direction. I want to buy Yule/Winter Solstice cards and I'm having no luck. I send a lot around this time of year and I'm looking for a good price for packages. Know anywhere I can them?

First off....look at my new icon. I freaking love it.

I've been in NC for 3 weeks now. I've got no stress and life is really good. I've got amazing friends who supported me in this move and worried about me for my decision and the speed in which it took place. I'm grateful for these people.

Work is going well. It is a challenge to say the least since it is completely new to me. I'm with Time Warner Cable and I'm shocked at all the stuff you have to learn. Lets face it, no one calls the cable company to be nice. I've still got 6 weeks of training left and I think I'm not only going to need every moment, but will also need more.

Tammy and I are doing well together. It's like we never stopped living next door to one another. We get in the kitchen and we cook like it's a dance we work so well together. We hold the same cleaning views and when we both get started I feel bad for whoever is in the way. It's like a tornado of cleaning. It is really nice to not be doing it all alone. Nothing is left for one of us to do alone unless we want it that way. I no longer go to bed alone every night, when I head up she comes to bed as well. There's hand holding, cuddling and kisses for no reason. Sounds like normal things, but for me it isn't. I spent the last 3 years with someone who did none of those things. Since I'm an affectionate person so this makes me very happy.

Worried it's me falling into the honeymoon period?? I know that isn't the case at all. How Tammy is today is how she was 12 years ago when we lived next door to each other and we were inseparable. Tammy is not going to change and she is who she is and I'm not going to change. We love each other for who we are, no changes wanted or needed and it works. She is a huge supporter of my Goddess studies and wants to set me up an altar in the back yard. Which I can't wait for.

The long and short of this is I'm happy. Extremely happy. This move was a very good decision. The worst part is I miss my friends very much. With only two weeks vacation at this job, it limits my travel and visit times. Luckily we have a good size house with lots a room and everyone is welcome to come and stay. Once there is more money coming in we will be finishing the apartment down stairs so that when people visit they can have there own space if they want instead of staying in the house with us.

Today has been a busy day. I unpacked the rest of my things and get the bedroom looking like a bedroom. I'm sitting on the sofa with Tammy, we're wearing shorts and relaxing on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

So, if anyone wants to know more or has any questions, ask away. I'll answer it.

Sitting outside on my morning break eating cherry yogurt. It's a beautiful day yet again.

I speak up. I do not like people who are ignorant or close minded. We are in a society where we are all equal and you don't have to like it, but you I do think you should make negative comments to people. You don't know what can offend other people.

Hey Gang...
I know I've been MIA since the move. It hasn't been intentional at all. I have a lot I want to share and really tell people about because life is really good. However, my body decided to be a girl and I awake to a period this morning. My system does not handle this well. I'm exhausted and thinking of heading to bed for a while. Once I get up from that I'll jump on my PC upstairs and do a real post.

Today is my last day at the bank. Tomorrow I hop in my car with my friend and we leave for NC in the morning. I'll be offline till I arrive on Friday night, maybe even Saturday but I will let everyone know I'm there safe.

My friend Linda asked me today if I've actually taken the time to reflect on my life today and those in it and then focus on my life to come. The reality is NO I haven't and didn't seem to have the time. I'm up tonight and now is good as anytime to do it. This is going to be a huge rambling post, so I apologize in advance.

Friends: Let's begin there because I have tons to say.

Jena: This is one of the strongest and intelligent woman I know. She is a wonderful friend and is never afraid to share her concerns for me with complete honesty. She is a gifted and talented person that I've had the joy of being her friend and sharing my energies with hers. We've been able to share our spiritual interests and explore some other ones together. We've shared losses and hopes. She is very close to my heart.

Ant: What can I even say?? Ant, Jena and I met under circumstances that normally would never have brought us together. Yet our paths crossed for a reason and I'm thankful for that. I left the first time we met thinking, these people are cool as hell, but I'm not a Disney freak and I'm not smart enough to be able to keep there interest. Yet, here we are years later still friends and I hope going strong. Ant and I connected over the supernatural and the joyful world of humor. But of all what I recall was a night where we had a Reiki session and then talked for several hours before I needed to call it a night and head for home. He is talented and deep and so full of life and is never afraid to offer a shoulder whenever needed. Our friendship means a lot to me.

Rob & Avis: Now this is a friendship out of work and who the hell would have ever thought that BOA would bring to Pagans together in the work place. Rob and I met back in 2001 when he began at the bank and a little while after he was there, he commented on the fact I was wearing my pentacle at work. From there out we became friends. I had the joy of meeting wife Avis and she and I started going to her friends Full Moon rituals together and then practicing together and then traveling to VT to a pagan B&B that was out there at the time. When the panic attacks were getting horrible a few months ago, he would distract me with humor so I would forget that I'm over reacting to life at that very moment. I had the honor of attending there wedding and watching this amazing union (even if it was only a formality at that point). They have been through the ups and downs of my life over the years and yet here they stand with me. They are amazing people that I wish everyone had the chance to know. They are true freaks and that makes me love them even more.

Sharon: I've know Sharon forever it seems. I met her through my late husband and we hit it off and for the longest time we spent all our free time together. He then boyfriend and my husband. They held my wedding at there home and made it a magical night for us on little to no funds and filled with love and joy for our union. With the partners gone for us both we had the joy of reconnecting again and share some of our journeys to being a better us. She has blossomed into this magical butterfly who came out of a cocoon made of stone at one time. No matter how much you kicked her around and tossed her about she chipped away at the hard shell he created for her and she is now the butterfly people see before them. She is strong, vivacious and taking chances on herself. I'm proud of her and am sad I won't be able to see first hand all the amazing things that are still yet to come her way. She has long earned her happiness and I really hope she feels it was worth the wait. Because what I see for her is going to be breath taking.

OWM Ladies: I have so many of you here and in my life. I couldn't begin to address them all. However, I get to take you with me. You're all special to me because we grow together everyday and help each other find strength in numbers when we feel like our world is crashing down around us.

Maine: I've discovered a sister amongst the shit my brother has caused. Paula and I learned we not only get along, but we like one another and some how over the last couple of years we loved one another and learned we are sisters, not just connected by marriage and our journey to this point was worth every painful moment because we are now where we should be. The kids brought us together but her and I keep it going. With her I got the chance to know Greg and with that my family grew a little bit more. I love him very much as well. These people took a chance and opened up there home and safe haven to me so I could see the kids and be an active role in there lives. It was far more than I expected and a welcome surprise when it worked out so well. I'm going to miss the mornings I got up and driving to Maine for the weekend because I could. She has offered me a shoulder times enough and I will be offering my as well. Family does that and they are my family.

I'm thankful for the person I am at this very moment. I've made many mistakes over the years and some really bad decisions, but the path I traveled helped me have the strength and courage to do what I'm doing now. I learned what it was like to love with all of my being. I learned to think before I leap because what is in front of me is not what is behind the smoke and mirrors. I've been able to come to terms with my infertility and then get tested again and again and face the fact the door is still ajar on that part of my life and that is ok. I learned the value of true friendship and that asking them for support and help is ok too. I learned that making the hardest decisions are not always the best and they can cause a lot of hurt, but sometimes we have to travel the hard road as well. These roads have helped me see what I deserve and what I don't. I'm thankful for all the moments that have made up my life to this moment in time and wouldn't change anything.

I'm sure I've left people out that I should be address my love and thankfulness for, but in all honesty I've been working off little sleep the last week and I believe I'm actually getting tired and I don't want the moment to pass.

Things are just moving fast. I leave Friday morning and I spent this afternoon packing everything. Looking at it all, now I really hope what I've got to take actually fits in my car. *sigh* Sadly I would fit more without another person in the car, but I know I'll be glad to have the company.

I had lunch with my friend Scott today and he gifted me with the most beautiful hand crafted jewelery box and a beautiful necklace. I was so shocked by his gift and so touched, that I sat at the table and cried. He is a very sweet man and another one of the many people I will miss.

Sitting with my mom tonight she told me sitting and watching movies together is what she is going to miss the most with me being gone. I'm going to miss her very much and I know this, but with all the stress and drama from me living here it has been easy to ignore. It will all hit me days into my settling in before my job starts. It will be a new place, new people and only one familiar thing, that being Tam and her family. I'm not having second thoughts, just now the little things are setting in is all.

So, my new life is right around the corner and all I want to do is get in the car and get it started. I'll be sure to keep you posted via cell phone when ever I update FB. Then you'll have an idea of where I am till I can get on for a proper post.

So the time is just flying by it seems. First I was thinking of moving, visiting and then posting for jobs. Now I've got a new job and I'm leaving my job of 10 years and moving 500 miles from the only place I know. Scary shit!!

My friend asked me today what I'm most nervous about. Honestly nothing except finding my way to my new job. The rest of the move is scary because it is so different and a complete change, but I'm not nervous. This is a move I want and need for myself. I never thought taking a chance on me would feel so good. Maybe I would have done it sooner had I known.

The best part of all this is the lack of fear. Fear was huge for me and often effected what I did and how I did it. At no point during all of this is fear an issue for me. I'm not driving to NC alone, my friend is coming for the road trip and then flying home a few days later.

Things are falling into place fast and I'm happy with that. I deeply feel this whole thing is meant to be and I'm welcoming it with open arms. :)

So, a lot is changing and I wanted to put it here since not everyone is on my FB. If you want to be it is under my LJ name.

I gave my two weeks notice at work yesterday and my last day will be 10/15/09 and I will be leaving for NC on 10/17/09. My friend Daly is road tripping it with me and then going to fly home on the 20th. Before you ask, I've had a great job interview with Time Warner Cable and I should know if I got it or not by today or Monday the lastest. So, I'm doing all this on the chance I have no job. I'm aware of what could happen and all that if I don't get this job. At this point I think everything is going to work out just fine, the whole thing just seems to be what I should do. The othe reason I did the notice before the job is because I want to give a full two weeks notice and to do that I would need have given it yesterday to make sure I could be in NC in time for the training to start. So, it became a judgment call at that point. What do I have to lose?

Other than that, things are going great. My trip this week to NC was fun. Tammy and her son where at work most of my time there and I got to relax, read and get used to my new home. I got to lots of cooking which I missed and loved every minute of it. Life will fall right into place once I'm there. You would have thought that I lived there already. =)

Once I know more I'll be sure to share.

My interview went well today. They said I will have a decision by the end of this week. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

This trip has been great. We've been able to get into the swing of life a little bit and Tam's off tomorrow which is great since I leave Wed morning. It will be sad to go, but exciting because my next visit will be for the long haul. Tam's new job is going well but has really long hours. If I get this job I will be working till 12:30 at night. So, we'll be in the same boat for a while. Plus it requires me working every weekend after 8 weeks of training. I look at it as a starting point and a way to get out here. Plus a change in life is not a bad thing. I need a change and really welcome one.

The down fall of this move? My friends. I have amazing friends and leaving them behind sucks huge donkey nuts. Luckily a few of them travel out this way at least once a year, wonder if they detour to visit me? anyway, today is a nice relaxing day from here out. Play on FB and read since I'm solo for at least 4 more hours.

Thank you everyone for the well wishes here and on FB.

Job interview today!!! Wish me luck.

So Rob nudged me since I haven't posted here for a while. It's just been a long few weeks. Working lots of OT and avoiding moms when possible and finally getting to see friends. I'm not sure the best way to do this so I'll break it down I guess.
( Read more... )

I have an important test tomorrow at work and I'm awake. Now I can't go back to sleep because my mind is racing and I can't tske an anxiety pill and not be beat tomorrow. Speaking of snxiety, this would be what part of my issues are at the moment. It even came up with the doctor this I had no answer for him and now I have my answer. Guilt!!! All my recent anxiety is over guilt.

Guilt over what? Guilt over being in a really good place in my life for the first. Guilt over doing things for myself. Like buying a ticket to NC and knowing I will be buying another one in an month or buying myself a Notebook that I've wanted. Spending the money makes me feelk bad as I'm in a situation where my mother can't even pay her bills, yet off I go spending mine.

I want to help my family if I can and more often than not I will do it till I'm the one who suffers in the end and they are all set. Leaving me where? My mother told me tonight very bluntly that I can't be Mother Thersa. Even if the money is helping her in the end.

Why do I feel this way? No fresking self worth what so ever. I don't feel good enough to be hsppy and I don't think I deserve to be hsppy nd I think if I begin a life with someone new I will screw that up too and so the cycle goes. It is deadly to have a mind that works againt what you really feel and what you know is true. Instead the racing thoughts win in the end snd I feel like that lesser of a person helped me believe I am. Thanks to things like thst I have test tomorrow I really need to pass and yet I believe I'm to stupid for it because I was told I wouldn't be able to handle this job. I have a chance for something great in the future and yet I'm convinced that I'll fuck that up as well cause I was told I can't be with anyone because I'm to crazy.

How do you truley fight this stuff? Therapy is one which is why the late night post so I will recall this for my appointment tomorrow. Listen to those who honestly love and care about me and remind me that I matter to people and that it is ok to work on me and do for me. I'm just tired of the inner battle and all those negative voices in my head. Some moments it seems easier to give up then keep the fight going. I want to wake up and have my day carried by a morning text message or the thing that make me happy and not two hours later be sitting at my desk feeling like a failure. I get physically sick from all the anxiety and stress. I thought feeling sick all day was the sun catching up with me, but now I see it for what it is. Anxiety. I guess the doctor was right that anxiety set off my issues two weeks ago and landed me in the ER. I want to run away I really do and start my life over, but I know that isn't the answer to anything nor will it change anything.

Damn, I need to be up in 4 hours. I'm going to try and actually sleep again if I can.

So I did some thing for myself. I got myself an Acer Aspire One notebook and I love it so far. It will be great for my up coming travels to NC and far entertaining than a book. Although I will have both with me either way. But I did take money out to pay for my mothers bankruptcy and I wanted to do something for myself since I often do more for others than myself. Either way it rules and is cute and tiny. =)

That's all, no real post right now.

It just hit me. All my grandparents are gone now. My dad's parents I loved and grew up with and them I truley miss. My mother's parents brought pain to our family.

Still it is odd to think one generation of those two families are gone.

Some of you are aware of the situation with my grandmother. How she treats my mom and so on. Well, this has all come to an end as of Saturday August 8th. My mother's cousin called and left a very nasty message informing my mother of her passing.

I've shared this before, she is not a nice woman. She mentally tortured my mother all her life and I won't even begin to mention the physical aspect. I hate this woman for what was done to me and what she did to my mother. I'm not cold or heartless, I'm being honest about it. My hurt comes from watching my mother battle her emotions between guilt and sadness because she is now alone in the world as both her parents are gone. She wants to be sad and is angry she feels this, she wants to be happy but feels guilt over that. All I can do is hug her and tell her I love her. When she asked me how I felt, I didn't lie. I don't do that but I did respond as gently as I could. I'm glad she is gone and the pain she puts my mother through with every call she made is now done. My mom can heal now and see some value in herself. She can no longer hurt my mom. I felt the same way when my grandfather died. He was a sick bastard and with him gone many people felt a little safer and let go of there daughters just a little bit.

::sigh::

I will feel better when this is finally done for my mother. It's hard to close a chapter when all the things that needed to be said never made it to the pages.

I've been sick since Wed with my asthma. Ok technically it began on Friday. But Wed I went to the ER because I was having a lot of trouble breathing that morning, the doctor couldn't see me till 1pm and since I began panicing and hyperventilating I couldn't wait that long. So I drove myself to the ER. Where I spent my afternoon, but I have to say they were great. I spent it on oxygen and having a breathing treatment and then took steriods. Which I'm still on for another 4 days. They are evil pills and mess with your sleep and your eating. What bothers me is I've lost 80 pounds, I walk at work on breaks when it isn't raining and at night in the park. Where the hell did this come from? Is it partly depression? That is really my biggest fear or is it stress with all the baby stuff and mom? Who knows, but I need to figure it out. Or as Tammy says, sit still and listen.

Can I just tell you have much it sucks going to the ER along and knowing there is no one who could be there. Don't get my wrong, my mother wanted to be there, but that would involve getting on the highway, which would never happen. I guess this is one of those single down falls and a lesson that I was scared but I was able to do it on my own. I feel like life is really shoving lessons at me left and right and I'm getting a bit run down. But she only gives me what she thinks I can handle so on I go.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday.

I've been doing great with this whole single thing and adjusting to being at my moms. But tonight being sick and really not feeling well I'm lonely. I want someone who will lay in bed with me and rub my tummy because it hurts and they know it won't make it better, but they know by being there it fixes almost everything. Snuggling gives you warmth and comfort when you don't feel well. I honestly think I miss it more now because I haven't had any of this in years. It was never something Scott would do, so I've missed it for a long time.

I find connecting with Tammy again has opened a whole new slew of things. Some wonderful and others I'm in awe I let happen for so long. I've been looking at those things as learning opportunities and things I need to learn. So when I get into my next relationship I'll have a better vision of who I am and what I want. Along with a clear view of how I love people and want to love them.

There is a lesson in everything, but it doesn't make tonight any less lonely.