The hardest thing about being a caterpillar is that you have little control about when and where you enter the darkest period of your life. Something takes over and you have to obey it, you have no control, so you wrap yourself up your cocoon and have nothing to do but think and dream and reflect in the darkness on your life on the ground. And, somehow, the myriad of colors from all your dreaming, thinking and pondering start to come together in this dark place until you are ready to emerge with all these hopes and plans tatooed on a new set of beautiful possibilities and you fly away, unrestricted.

Sometimes, having dark times simply puts into perspective how much power we have to fly when we are ready. :)

So, I hear I should join twitter. Thoughts? Comments?

I'm at the doctors office and I know I need to do this, but I'm just not feeling it. I want my cave just for a day. Please?

Ok maybe more since I've been forgetting to do them.

1. smiling
2. threatening a tutu dance to make someone elses day better
3. planning my trip to NC
4. getting to make a demands list for said trip
5. peace within as I find balance without
6. payday
7. connecting with old friends
8. inviting myself to Ant & Jena's for Halloween. =)
9. Chatting with Rob before leaving work
10. excedrin migraine
11. my mommy
12. hanging pictures on my walls
13. finally feeling like I have a home
14. movies at bedtime
15. talking about Clerks 2
16. Finding out that I can leave training on Monday and try working solo
17. watching scary movies with my mom in the dark
18. fixing my monitor so it rises now
19. not vomiting on my ride home tonight
20. amazing friends in RL and on LJ

How people forget to tell me Big Brother started tonight I don't know.

Thank you anxiety for listening!! I will do something in return for you, I promise.

My anxiety is through the roof. I'm pleading to my anxiety to please give me a break today. I will do what anxiety wants to just give it a rest. Please? Thanks.

I had an amazing morning and now the anxiety is back. Just leave me alone and I need to stop being nice. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr................

Can I go home now?

These are just random photos to share. Some of them are pictures of pictures so they are a little rough, but enjoy anyway.

Happy Birthday to Spencer, he is 11 as of today!
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I was married on 10/31/99.
Ray passed on 4/17/03.

I was talking with my friend Tammy and we couldn't believe how the time has just flown by. It is crazy and I can't believe how life has changed and not gone how I had thought it would.

Not a sad post, just a hmmmmmm moment.

Frogs: I just loved them in general but they were never a really big "gotta have it" thing. Then I met Ray and we began doing a lot of meditation and journeying together. The Frog became my totem animal for those times. Now, I'm just in love with them. I have them all over my desk at home, work and a few on my altar when it is set up.

Soulcards: In case you don't know what those are, go here. http://www.amazon.com/Soul-Cards-Deborah-Koff-Chapin/dp/1572810092/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247006645&sr=8-1
I learned about these cards while in VT at Griffin Grove Inn. I just fell in love with them, the drawings and the visions they bring to me are just breath taking. I use them now as a form of Tarot and find them very insightful. I love to send them as gifts for those who also fall in love with them. They bring joy and and I love to bring other people joy.

Salem: I've met the coolest people there!!! In all honesty, it began first as a piece of history I really wanted to see. Then on my first trip to Salem it became a place of love. On my second trip it was a place a beauty and now it is a place of peace, calm and joy for me. I now have a few friends in that area and met a new one on this last trip. Who I'm really enjoying getting to know. That would be the lovely gothtique. Now I look forward to return to Salem to keep connecting with amazing people and enjoy one freaking cool ass town.

Kindness: I was picked on a lot as a kid and even into adulthood. I feel simple kind acts show what kind of person you are. Kindness is a sign of caring, compassion and humanity to me. I want be kind so maybe one small gesture will make that persons day a little better. I can't change the world or save anyone, but a moment of kindness can go a long ways.

Kids: *sigh* This is a deep word for me. I found out at 16 that I would never have kids. Then later in life I was told I could try fertility treatments. Kids are something I've always wanted. i wanted to be the mom my mom was for me. Hard times or not she was a good mom. I wanted to bake, cook and create with my kids. Help teach them the values of being open minded and not to judge people. Teach them about Mother nature, Paganism and Energies. The Goddess just didn't place it in my cards. I did try for 5 years to have children and we finally did get pregnant. Ray and I were so happy, we both would sit at night and rub my tummy and talk to this little speck of a child that was finally ours. Then about a month or so later my numbers dropped and with in a day I lost the baby. How do I fill that void now? I spoil the living crap out of my niece and nephew who I love more than words could ever explain. It has taken time for me to accept my motherless fate, but also have found the value in enjoying my life as it is as well.

Comment "Words!" if you wold like me to give you words.

I connected with awesome people tonight. It was nice. Plus my mom was punchy all night and it was really funny. Night all.

I missed several days being in New Paltz, so here are a bunch.

1. Old photos of better times.
2. Seeing pictures of Spencer and Abby in the little phase and seeing how different they are now. They grow so fast.
3. Watching my laugh, she has so much stress it is nice she can still find joy in life, even if for small moments.
4. Feeling like a new woman!
5. Wearing a super cute outfit today and getting tons of compliments.
6. Getting to know a new friend from LJ
7. Getting my last tub of desk stuff unpacked and having my fun stuff around me.
8. Excited about plans for a new tattoo
9. Shiny new debit card, since mine is all warped and crap.
10. Finally, my head not exploding while I watched Twilight with Sharon. =)

Makes me miss Florida, the cats and lots of laughter and working at Borders in the Snow Man suit.

I'm looking through some old pictures and I have found a few of him. I miss him more and more these days.

I don't recall the title, but the first post was about me and Kelly being together and her using LJ and me wanting to come and play as well. That was over 8 years ago now and under a different name when I first joined.

I'm behind on my 5 good thing posts, but I will make up for that tonight with more than 5. Because today, I need to remember those things.

I'm being forced to watch Twilight against my will. *hangs head* I may be liking it. UGH

Woo Hoo....in New Paltz and it's a beautiful day! Just had breakfast and now off to play in town. Happy 4th!!

At head shrinkage and very excited to share the goals and boundries I set for myself with her. =)